I get up at 5 am five days a week and I go to the gym to workout. On Saturdays and Sundays I dedicate those days to running outside as many miles as I can. There is something about running with a good beat/a good song in your ears that is just freeing. The word Freedom came to mind to me today as I ran. Many people think that I am crazy for running so much but this is one way in which I release some of the stress that I have.
I get up, put my hair back in a ponytail, place my favorite cap on my head , put on my gloves and I run. I usually start off listening to Usher. I feel like each album is comparable to my life and so the words and feelings that I am not able to display or say plays out in the words of his songs. If I don’t run, it seems like everything around me is magnified ten times more. I literally have had days where I even tried to not run just because I’m already so exhausted from the events of that day and I can’t. I guess there are worst things to be addicted to but recently I’ve asked myself why. Why do I need to always run, and now lifting weights? Why do I need to lift heavier? It’s like whatever negative feelings I have I try to push it out in someway but it’s only temporary. The rush of the wind hitting my face and the different scenery as I run settles the feelings of anxiety and for an hour to two out of the day I feel free.
Freedom something that we want right? To be free from our past? Freedom from always feeling obligated to be sensitive about everyone else’s feelings? Freedom from pretending to be someone that you are not in order to survive. Wouldn’t it be refreshing to say “Hi I’m messed up and I know that you are too, let’s work through this together.” But we don’t say that do we? Instead we say, “ Hi, I have on my good clothes today and I look like I’m put together, so nice to meet you.”
Why can’t we have a conversation about what is going on in our heart? Why can’t we have a conversation about the thoughts that go on in our mind telling us that we are not good enough, that we haven’t tried as best as we could. I know that these things are a lie but it’s in those quiet moments where the darkness and the lies come about and no one wants to talk about some of our truths, our struggles. We are lonely in a busy world. I don’t think that there has ever been a time where we are so connected and yet so disconnected at the same time.
I mean, aren’t we the generation of social media, always perpetuating that we have so many friends. Yes, I have so many “friends,” and yet they have no idea what’s in my heart. I love the fact that my “true friends” for real are very few. My “true friends” are the ones that text me outside of social media to see how I am doing. These are the people who know what’s really in my heart and the true connections with those very few people are priceless. These are the people that have seen me cry, remember the anniversary of me losing my daughter, and the people who know that when I hear the word “moist” that it makes me cringe, Lol.
I want freedom. I crave freedom in my relationships. I crave open conversations about any thing and all things. Most of all I crave for the moment where I can be so vulnerable that my conversation comes naturally and my heart slows down from the allowance of me just being myself. That’s what’s in my heart.