I decided to write my blog this week focusing on Decisions of Love.
I have always wanted a fairy tale love. You know the kind where the man looks at the girl and automatically is drawn under her spell. His eyes meet hers and at that exact moment he knows this is the one that he will be with forever and it lasts forever.
I thought that I had experienced this fairy tale type of love but I hadn’t. Now, I am married and there were men that were before my husband so hear me out. I am talking about the first love. The one that you think that is “the one, “ the person that you have mapped out your whole life with. This person who you thought would bury you.
My experience was at the age of fifteen. I thought that I had met the person with who I would have two children with and live for sure in my house with a white picket fence. I even had a cow named Betsy for my life story. My life didn’t end up that way.
In a nutshell I experienced being told that the man that I wanted to share and had shared all of my youth with had now eleven years later gotten another woman pregnant. She actually told me. She actually showed up to my door in the late of the night in the wintertime while there was icy road conditions to personally inform me of my long time lovers new life endeavor and it did not include me.
This man who I forgave for cheating on me over and over, who I gave eleven years of my youth. I was approaching my thirties and he had gotten a twenty two year old pregnant. I begged this man (and I am not kidding) for a child. I was so desperate that I told him that I could wait even longer on getting married just let me get pregnant. He would tell me “I don’t want any children right now.” We used so much protection that I literally felt like we had brought the whole stock of condoms from every retail store possible. I did it to protect his future and all the while he later told me that I wouldn’t listen to him and she did. He “trained” her to obey his wishes while I questioned his reasons for a lot of things. Well, I questioned because of the irresponsible choices that were being made.
At that moment when I found out what my lover, my best friend, my soul mate, my right hand, my everything to me at that time had done I never once in the beginning wanted to leave. Leaving for me was not an option, you see I am a firm believer that we all make mistakes. Please show me one person that has not fallen on this earth. You cannot!!! My decision of love at that time was to stay and work harder for the love that I thought that I needed. You see I thought I saw the “Man” past that point of life. I thought to myself I will not give this chick the satisfaction of loving and taking what was mine even if a baby was to come of his ignorance. I say ignorance however; in remembering our conversations at the time he clearly was proud of his new arrival but the problem was that he found security in me.
I was longevity. I was working, going to school, I stayed home instead of partying, I cooked and cleaned, I even had his bath water ran sometimes when he came home. My decision was to spoil my man even harder and he would love me and choose me. But instead the harder I loved the more he strayed. I stayed with him almost a year after I found out the girl was pregnant and after she had his child. All the while hoping he would choose me. Once I realized that his decision of love was to continue to have me as well as the other woman with his child I had to look at myself and ask what is my value? What is it that I feel that I deserve from my partner? Did I deserve to always for the rest of my life sit up in the window night after night and wait for a lover to possibly come home? And when he did come home did I deserve to always wonder why did he come home? Did he come home because he truly loved me or because she kicked him out? These were the thoughts that went on in my mind for a year.
It was so hard to let go. I will admit that this situation made it hard for me to trust people. You see, love shapes us, heartache shapes us, and decisions shape us. Once I decided to let go I let go. My decision of love became me realizing that once you love, I mean truly love someone, not just saying it or faking it. Once you truly love someone there is almost nothing within reason that you won’t do for that person, because real love is not just in good or bad times. But real love covers the understanding that in relationships mistakes and misunderstandings of all kinds will be made and it is about forgiveness in all of it.
I forgave him for hurting me in that way but I also allowed myself to move on without him. I moved on because I could not accept his decision of love. I felt “so now am I supposed to take care of you, your baby momma and your baby?” I knew that I deserved more for myself. While I knew and know that I am not perfect or anywhere close to it, but yet my future deserved a chance. I have stated before in one of my previous blogs I “crave” the intimacy that can be in a relationship. Even still I crave for being open to one another in love.
I watched my parent’s model to me a perfect example of what a marriage was. I saw them sit down and pay bills, make decisions together, work together on who would pick me up from school, religious and so many other decisions together. They even drove together everywhere. I also saw disagreements, and arguments but I also saw a man who loved his wife so much he did everything to make sure she was ok.
I saw a decision of love to sacrifice and to be in it for the long haul. While I would like to say that I believe in the long haul I have to honest and say that I do not. I have to be honest and say that I constantly pray for my husband and my marriage and I have to say that if people (me included) believed in the long haul that the divorce rate would probably be very low. That being said I do believe that people and situations change. I could go back and forth on reasons to try and make it last or leave but that’s a personal decision. My blog is my feelings. I am hopeful that l can have the long haul relationship and everyday that is what I strive for.
We all have to decide what our decision of love will be in life. We are called to forgive. That is a fact! We each have to decide our limits. While life is not as easy as love or leave, it is about looking in the mirror and letting your “Decision of Love” be your own.