The year was 2008 and I was working in the factory. I was working the day shift, which was 8 am to 4:30 pm. I had been in a relationship for ten years and we were living together yet I probably only would see him once a week if I was lucky. I had gotten used to being by myself. I do believe that this is when my “routine” started. I would get off of work and go get a large pizza and some wine, go home and watch some television until I fell asleep. I would wake up in the morning and do it all over again.
When I decided to leave him there were steps that I had to take. When I told people that I couldn’t sleep without a little wine people would often laugh at me. Any one who knows me knows that it doesn’t take much. I’m a smaller person weight wise so a half glass of anything always knocked me out. When I decided to leave, for me a necessary step was to quit having that half a glass of wine at night. In order to make one of the biggest decisions of my life I had to think clearly. I was able to stop exactly when I wanted and I left with no regrets.
Fast forwarding to now in 2016 I have found myself in my “routine” again. I have looked at certain things as my security blanket. Routines that before now made me feel like I was really living life. But I wasn’t. Living life to me is so many different things. Excepting yourself as who you are. I learned to routinely smile even when I had no desire to do so. I learned to be “open” to others just enough to make them think that I was being “real” and I was but when it got too real I would cut them off.
I have found that in this moment in life that my main security blanket is isolation. Being that I only have an older sister I was always by myself when I was younger. As I got older I developed the want to try and make everyone that I came in contact with happy which now I understand is impossible. I now understand that in order for me to truly be happy, I have to stop trying to make everyone else happy at my own expense. There is a heart problem when you take the world on as you’re own and when you are willing to risk your own emotional break down for someone else to make it through. I am willing to isolate myself and go back to my roots of my own upbringing. Some might think it is sad; I choose to look at it as my survival.
I know me, I strive and thrive in me. I know that I am genuinely happy for everyone that I know and that I wish for the best for everyone. However, I now understand that their happiness cannot come at the expense of me being uncomfortable. The roles that I have in life require my full attention and through my isolation I will allow myself to be honest with myself and take time for myself to ultimately become better in all that I need to do.