Growing up as a little girl I knew that I wanted to be a mother. My mom was someone that I looked up to. To me she was and is strong but sensitive and not perfect but the perfect mother for me. Through many situations growing up she was a model of how a woman should be. She worked hard for her family and yet she loved working in the garden. Beautiful yards and flowerbeds in the summer was her peace of mind after a long day at work. I also grew up watching and mimicking her love for working in the yard along with beautiful flowerbeds. Watering the lawn around nine o clock at night in the summer was a favorite pastime of mine. But even in the still and peace of those moments I thought that I was full happiness. I thought that nothing and no one could ever live up to the peace that I found being able to plant Dahlia’s, and Peonies and sitting back and watching them blossom into something so beautiful full of color and life but I soon realized, I Never Knew Love Until I laid eyes on my children.
Lying here tonight crocheting my son woke up screaming. Since the age of one he does this ever so often and it’s one of the scariest things to experience. I walk in his room dreading my poor little boy screaming and there is nothing that I can do about it but hold him. He finally stops while tears are rolling down his face. I have been rocking him now for about twenty minutes. He’s now four years old and he places his hands in the comfort of my chest while falling back asleep. He’s sucking his lips just as he has always done to soothe himself back to sleep. I lay him across my chest as I lay on the couch, the lights are off and I am now in heaven. This moment of holding my only son, my only child is just sweet and memorable to me. The moment that you experience love unconditional, nothing can touch that. I wish I had more time with my little girl before she went to heaven but even in the moments that I held her again I say with boldness that I never knew love until I laid eyes on my children. My son has taught me the love between a parent and a child. Time after time that we have to forgive, teach and learn. There has been so many experiences already in his short lifetime that I have said to myself, “I never thought I would experience that.” “I never thought I would be that mom.” But there also has been so many times that he has taught me things that I never knew even at the age of four.
I say all this to say that the love of someone so small has made such a huge impact on my life. When I look at him no matter what I see love. I see youthfulness. I see a determined little boy who tells me all the time “mommy I can do it.” I see a boy version of me and it brings me to tears. Scared tears and tears of joy. Scared tears because I know that one day he will be too big for me to hold right in my arms to rock him to sleep. Tears of joy to know that one day he will be more than I could have ever imagined because I see it in him now. Everyday I’m so glad that God allowed me to experience this kind of love because there is no person that could ever compare. I will always be thankful and try to remember these precious moments.