Have you ever had a broken dreams? Have you ever looked around and felt like the world in which you felt so joyous to be in and the people who you were around was ripped right from under you? The time is 3:37 in the morning and these feelings surfaced and wouldn’t let up until I wrote them down. I keep pressing on and on and on and I have realized that I have so many questions in so many areas of my life. Will I die this way? Will I die with broken dreams? Will I ever be understood? There were times that I felt so understood and then those secure feelings were taken away from me. Should they have been there? I don’t know but I do know that it’s hard for me to trust because of this. I do know that inside I want to burst with such passionate love and express just my thoughts about so many things and I see that my life is so surface.
I wish that I had a best friend. The one person who I could count on and express all of my love and feelings to. Instead, I know that my life with love included has been broken into sections of what I thought was true love. I felt that I had it all at a point when I was younger. I used to love watching basketball. love listening to old school R&B on a Friday night cruising with the windows down. I miss renting horror movies and eating a large pizza with it. I miss watching certain movies and eating Chinese food, I miss so many things. I am now more robotic. Every day activities , the same activities and so much anger. Oh so many things and it’s hard that when you regain segments of simplicity and then you lose it again. When you hope and pray for your hearts desire and then nothing. When you are now up at 3:49 in the morning an even as you type you still can’t express how you fully feel.
You know, i’ve tried a therapist, I believe in The Lord so I pray, but yet I sit here and every day it seems like my life is getting more and more busy and unclear. There was one time when I was in my late teens and I had a boyfriend. Neither one of us had any money. We were so hungry that we gathered up pop bottles from our parents house, went to the store and bought a sub and a pop and sat in his car talking at the park talking with the windows down. Why is it that this moment of when I was 18 sticks in my mind? It’s because at a point where I had nothing I had everything. I think someone understanding you in the moments of confusion is so powerful; indeed seemingly strong people have feelings that they hide, feelings that rip the very delicate skin or their should inside out but again…they are hidden. Oh well, I will continue to pray that my broken dreams will somehow get glued back together as if they were never broken at all.