Lately I just don’t know what to do about much of anything. In the midst of trying to go back to school for my MBA, building a career, raising a son, and being a wife, it feels like life is clearing up but not all in the necessary way that I would like for it to. So many things that I am dealing with and praying for change and yet there seems is some areas to be none. After losing my home in 2009 and my 780 credit score getting so low I have finally paid off all the things that I have needed to pay off and my credit score is very close on the path of where it was in 2009. This is a major big deal for me since I am looking to buy my second home very soon. But… I am sad in so many other ways that it makes my stomach turn out of uncertainty. When you are in a relationship and you are told nothing ever and have to beg for information always it is so draining and it hurts my heart. My heart is actually hurting. I am the type of person to access situations and if I feel that I am causing pain to someone or if I feel that there will be no turn around then I do whatever is necessary. In 2009 I made this decision and now I am faced with a similar one. How can you build with someone who tells you nothing? Am I to constantly make sure that I try and keep track of things of which I have no knowledge? I want to tear my skin off!! It’s so unfair to be blamed for everything which I have no knowledge of. I am truly lost and I am begging for a turn around and there seems to be none. What saddens me the most is my precious son, I want him to be happy and raised with both of his parents and I so desperately want another child but how can I? What would I be putting a new baby through? If someone thinks that what they are doing is not wrong and does not seek help then how can you continue? When you don’t know where the money is being spent how can you continue? When you constantly find out things from everyone but the person of whom you share a bed with how can one be happy? I am not talking about a once a month situation. I am talking about every day literally. I hope that I don’t seem like I am complaining. I honestly wish that someone could help me with how to deal with the answers to these questions. I wish that you could hear my insides scream. When you have someone that will not seek help to change the situation what is it that I should do? I am stressed, and sad and it’s unfair. I met an ex girlfriend and the one thing that she asked me was, ” does he talk to you, because he never talked to me?” I laughed at her because I said, “Oh, yes he talks to me all the time.” Oh how foolish I was. I swear that I have been eating those words since they have come out of my mouth and I say that with a heavy heart. My heart is heavy, my heart is heavy, my heart is heavy. I could go on and on but I won’t. I wish that someone could see my heart. That is all.

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