It’s been a while since I have decided to write, and I guess this seems like an appropriate time to do so. I was alerted the other day that I have been on WordPress for two years now and I had not yet renewed my subscription. Life goes on and on the last day I renewed it because I felt a sense of urgency to express how I’ve been feeling lately.
Again, I am logged off of social media (besides WordPress) because I am tired of dealing. Long weeks, days, and nights of people that have not called or texted to just say, “hi”. Just to say I’ve been thinking about you. Just to say, “I love you”. These things are so important to me and yet so simple. The type of communication that I have gotten when people want to talk to me? It’s me listening and never once being asked “how are you?” I think to myself, “do you care that I am going through things as well?” Now don’t get me wrong, I love helping others. But I realized that it’s been a solid two years now that I have become more aware, and more upset that the love that I give is not returned. You know, social media has a painful way of reminding me of my place in other people’s lives. The stock that I have invested in has not given me a profitable return. I’ve realized that I only want people in my life who can give and receive, not just receive! My birthday was a couple of weeks ago, and as I cried in my bathtub thinking of all the things that I have yet to accomplish, there was only one person who really helped me to feel like it was my special day. When I know that it is someone’s birthday, and I love them, I want them to know it for sure. Through a phone call, text, special cupcakes, flowers, something that says, “ I want you to know how important you are in my life.” Yes a couple of people sent me wishes, but overall. I realized how I make it my business to text or call someone at 11:59 pm just before their special day to make sure that I am one of the first people to wish a happy birthday… there no one who did the same for me.
Now, you may say. “You shouldn’t do so that you can get… whatever.” And I totally agree, but it’s the whole “Why didn’t I pop into your mind kind of a thing?” Yes, I am human and I have not built up a “I don’t give a … “ type of attitude so therefore I bleed, therefore I cry, therefore I get depressed. Therefore I log off of social media. I log off because it is painful that I can text you to see how you are doing (while I am inside feeling some type of sadness about life) and you can’t return a text for days later or even at all (and I see you partying with others) but when you are sad, I am right there to listen. I have taken away my door mat status (at least for a little while) and I feel like I can breathe. I feel like some of the weight has been lifted from me in always making sure that others feel loved while I am the “ Oh we have to meet up soon and never do type of girl.” I understand that life get’s busy, but for the only time that you think of me is when You are depressed then I have a problem.
I too want to be cherished and since I have realized that no one has the time to do so for me in my life then I will not put stock in those people. I don’t hate anyone, I just will not put my expectations so high anymore. I am learning to understand that just because it’s my desire to want to love on others that it’s not necessarily there desire to love me.
I just wanted to write this because I know that I am not alone, although a lot of times I feel that I am.