I remember feeling vulnerable and loving it. I wonder will I ever feel that way again. I have no hope in it if I must be honest. Burned, with fire of loving and feeling like it’s me times two. Feeling like my energy had been matched in the sensual game of touch and go. But then…nothing! The emptiness that rattled through my sleepless nights awaiting for the return of my sweet love. The one who looked at me with love, the one who I felt that I could talk about my deepest darkest feelings. My mistakes, my accomplishments, all of everything that makes me who I am. My religion, what I believe, what I believe in life as a whole. Just more of me wants to melt into you and yet.. I stop! I put on the face of a brave woman and I serve, and I wake up and workout and feel strong and untouchable for the moments when I am “in a zone,” but I can’t be that way for 24 hours a day so I am left with me.
At the end of the day it’s just me. I wish to love and talk until the candles burn all the way down while holding my love. I wish to feel protected in his arms. So simple but so complicated because my guard is up. I cried tonight wishing that it would go down so I can feel free. I think everyone wants to be free. I found myself smiling yesterday. Not for a picture, not out of duty, but of something so silly that I can’t even remember. But I felt that smile, the warmth of that smile and I wish to freely smile like that more often. I am thankful that even in times of loneliness I can sometimes smile.