My neighbors must think that I am crazy, always leaving my blinds open until the lateness of the night and even until the morning at times. But I absolutely love looking out of the window. One of the reasons that I bought my home is the bay window. From the first moment that I stepped foot in my home I was drawn to that window like two lovers being drawn to one another. It soothes me, it reminds me of how far I have come, it reminds me never to take anything for granted. As I sit here, my first Christmas in my home; it took me nine years to get here. As I look at my Christmas tree with all of its lovely decorations I sit in silence. The next few days are going to be overwhelming dealing with family and the holiday hustle and bustle so I complacently now, sit here in silence.
This used to be me all of the time. I’ve enjoyed silence and being by myself for the majority of my life, always believing that one should take time for his or herself, but as I sit here I realize more and more that my life has had plenty of interruptions. Most were put on me with people who cared or loved me. I won’t go down that rabbit hole of disappointments because there’s no need to. At least not today.
Today I know that there has to be changes in my life or I will spend the next ten years living to make others happy. I say to myself that none of us are perfect. But I wonder if the laughs, the simple stories, and the innocence of a true connection between people are really the experiences worth wanting and waiting for. As far as I can remember I don’t crave for the times where a lot of money was spent on traveling or an expensive gift. But I remember the rain as it hit the car roof while kissing at the park. I remember the moment where our hands interlocked (that meant so much to me because I never held hands with anyone). Those moments of me letting me guard down. Will I ever again let them down? For the softness and transparency of who I am I hope so; for to hide who I really am is draining. I am praying for life!
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