So Far To Go

I believe that due to my personal losses in life that God has allowed me the greatest gift of all, which is that of humility. Although, I toggle with the fact if I was ever really “ungrateful.” Well, I guess I was since I felt like since I did things by what I thought was the “book” that  I was owed a perfect life. What is the perfect life to me you may ask? I thought it was a house, a dog, three children, etc. This was my narrative but His plans are greater than mine, and no one can argue with me on that!! To make a long story short, I don’t have a dog, three children, or even a white picket fence, but what I do have internally is what I believe to be part of the reason why I am here. “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,… Jeremiah 1:5 ESV. He knew me, He knows me even still and has crafted my interactions to honor Him. I have an experience that I would like to share..

I went to an event last week, and I wasn’t too energetic to go to it. When my son has piano practice I really dislike missing it, but sometimes it is necessary. As I was driving to this event I was thinking, “God I hope that I get something out of this, I hope there is a reason for me going to this thing.” And I said this because I really wanted to be with him, but sometimes God will take you out of what you think you should be doing and place you into a situation to give Him glory. As I am at this event I am talking to a sweet woman about the event and she starts to share her heart with me on a personal level. I won’t go into details because that’s her business but I informed her that I too have suffered with loss.

Losing my job, my home, and my daughter were horrible experiences that I never thought that I would have to go through. As I am sharing these things with this sweet person we agreed that these personal pains are used to help one another know that we will get on the other side of these things. We literally started talking about how great God is at this event and I told her that no matter where I am, even when I am trying to be “business like” that I have to magnify God, and I can’t help it! To be honest this is a struggle for me. I am seriously dealing with this. Trying to understand how I can ask God to use me for the spreading of His word and then when I have an opportunity I second guess myself. But in my mind I tell myself to open my mouth and then it all spits out. This person was saying to me that my story gave her what she needed to hear that she’s not alone, and we aren’t.

We all have so far to go while we are here. But we are here for a reason. You never know if your experiences are being used to give someone else comfort. I find that when I am out running errands, or at events with a particular mindset that’s when I am caught off guard. I have been at the gym (anyone who knows me knows I don’t like talking at the gym) and someone will start talking to me about things and it shifts me from workout as hard as I can mode to let’s pray right here and right now mode. I am hopeful for the day that I won’t look at all of this as a struggle, but indeed I have so far to go!

 

Hush…

Hush…my mind

Silence is needed as I prepare for sleep

Let me not be reminded  of the happiness that has been lost

Let me not be reminded of the way it used to feel when you loved me

Let me not cry one more night as I think of the innocent touches that stole my heart

I can’t silence the mind, do I take another drink?

As the poison trickles down my throat I pray for peace to sleep

I have to make it through another night

I have to work and provide for my son

But my heart hurts because my brain is not functioning on its own

My brain has reasoned with reality, but my heart believes in the fairy tale

But some fairly tales come true!!

Struggle

It’s been awhile since I expressed my feelings. There are a lot of things I just don’t understand, but I do know what love is and how I feel that it should look like. I have given love only to not feel loved at all. Why…I wonder why it seems that the love I give gets lost in everyone else’s own goals and desires. Man..I’ve cried so many tears of loneliness. I’ve cried out of wishing that someone would truly say to me that they love me. That I matter, that my dreams did not dissipate. I’ve given a lot of my soul and it hurts. Can I just admit that it hurts? Can I just say that I wait until nighttime and I finally get a chance to let my tears drop from my eyes. So many people that have interfered in my life with nothing positive to say. What I wouldn’t give to let my guard down. What I wouldn’t give to just laugh, oh  man how I love to laugh. How I love to make people laugh. How I just wish someone would look into my eyes and say I see your heart.

I remember being  embraced at different moments of my life and inhaling security, if just for a little while. I cling to those moments in my heart for sparingly have I been able to feel that way. I have found that my life is business all the time, but who can function that way? How long can I function this way? How long can I feel like there are people with not my best interest at heart around me. A cage. It seems like the real me is trying to come out and i’m stuck. I don’t want to be stuck. I want to feel free in love. For if i’m not free in love then this person who I have become will always struggle. I don’t want to struggle always. Please listen to my heart!

Are You The Calm

Are you the calm?

When someone needs a friend to talk to, are you the peace?

Are you the soft cloud that sits so gently in the sky?

Are you the breathe that continues to flow through the body giving it life?

Are you the soothing cup of tea that’s needed every night before bed?

Are you the soft music that settles the day to the night?

Are you that lovely painting that reminds someone of their youthful days?

Are you the first lick of someone’s favorite ice cream?

Are you the first kiss of someone you can never forget?

Are you the very beat of someone’s heart?

Are you the calm?

When the world beats someone down.

Are you the hand that reaches out to help them rise?

Are you the soft whisper saying, “I love you?”

What are you to someone?

Be the calm that someone needs.

Be the sense of understanding that is needed.

Be the arms that holds someone close.

Try to be the calm.

 

The Road Ahead

The Road Ahead.

No one ever said it would be easy.

No one ever said that I wouldn’t fail.

But is failing really failing when you find a different way to come up?

Is it failing when you’ve become more humble in your journey?

Is it failing when actual relationships mean more than the superficial?

Is it failing when your story can be used to encourage others?

I lost it all, and had to rebuild.

Bit by bit, and day by day.

Until the clouds were no more.

And tomorrow seemed bright.

For once, it seemed bright, and I was encouraged more than ever.

And although all won’t ever be perfect.

Do you really want it that way?

For my perfect is different than yours.

But what’s similar between us is that tomorrow is not promised.

So be thankful in Your Journey! Because it’s yours and yours alone.

Write Later

I will write later… hours later and days and months apart from the last thought that I wrote and here I am. Full of something… is it energy, is it sadness, is it contemplation, is it fruitfulness, is it awakening, is it turning, is it speculation, is it gentleness, or is it love? My unknowing has left me depleted in many ways but yet, I have the strongest desire to press on, at least most days.

My mind wanders in the night and sometimes in the day, and I love the windows being open with the crisp breeze that strongly comes in while my heater is on 72 degrees. It’s just enough heat combined with the air. I stay wrapped in my blanket while my face sits out the window looking at the stars reminiscent as to when I was a young girl. Habits that you never fully step away from, some good and some always a struggle. But what’s life without one? Heaven!

The Highs and Lows

I was going to make this blog a pour out my heart type of thing. But as I started typing I realized that these few sentences could mean just as much. Please remember, when people pour into you for whatever reason, please make sure that you don’t deplete the cup. Please make sure that you pour into them and see if they ever need a refill. When you keep sipping from a cup and you never refill it soon you will realize that there is nothing left. It doesn’t take much.. A phone call, a text, a letter, any form of communication to let someone know that they are loved and thought of and give them at least the same arena that they gave you to express what’s going on with them. That person may need you more than you know.