Longing

Image Credit: Pixabay.com

I hate doing New Years resolutions. When I was younger I used to do them all the time but then I felt the pressure to make sure that I did whatever I said that I would do. For some… they may say, that’s the point! But for me I just felt like a complete failure of I didn’t follow through which just put more stress and pressure on me. Whereas for years now, I just have a life style that I try to live day to day and I make changes when necessary. I will say that I feel like I’m in limbo, and not just right now but for a long time. 

I watched a video the other day of a man taking about how women give up their wants and dreams for the betterment of the family and I have personally experienced that myself. I always loved going to school and really wanted to get my Masters. But to be honest, I’ve become overwhelmed. 

Sometimes the noise is so loud in my head and yet there is never any quiet time for me outside of my head. I’m tired. I want and need peace and to be heard and to be understood. But how can you be understood when the person you wants to understand you says “that’s your fault?” How can you let it be known that your feelings matter? Your Christmas traditions matter? That your quiet time outside of them matters? I basically was the only child so I grew up pretty much by myself. 

So how do you get people to understand that you need that quiet time and not just when your working out, because believe it or not, even the gym can be people interfering with quiet time. Man… I’ve changed. I’ve become more of an introvert while being an extrovert by having to in certain situations. I long for the simple days of my old traditions. The things that were so sacred and brought happiness and a smile to my inner being. The days when I wasn’t the last person to be thought about or cared for. The days when I knew I was loved!

Little Things

My neighbors must think that I am crazy, always leaving my blinds open until the lateness of the night and even until the morning at times. But I absolutely love looking out of the window. One of the reasons that I bought my home is the bay window. From the first moment that I stepped foot in my home I was drawn to that window like two lovers being drawn to one another. It soothes me, it reminds me of how far I have come, it reminds me never to take anything for granted. As I sit here, my first Christmas in my home; it took me nine years to get here. As I look at my Christmas tree with all of its lovely decorations I sit in silence. The next few days are going to be overwhelming dealing with family and the holiday hustle and bustle so I complacently now, sit here in silence. 

This used to be me all of the time. I’ve enjoyed silence and being by myself for the majority of my life, always believing that one should take time for his or herself, but as I sit here I realize more and more that my life has had plenty of interruptions. Most were put on me with people who cared or loved me. I won’t go down that rabbit hole of disappointments because there’s no need to. At least not today.

Today I know that there has to be changes in my life or I will spend the next ten years living to make others happy. I say to myself that none of us are perfect. But I wonder if the laughs, the simple stories, and the innocence of a true connection between people are really the experiences worth wanting and waiting for.  As far as I can remember I don’t crave for the times where a lot of money was spent on traveling or an expensive gift. But I remember the rain as it hit the car roof while kissing at the park. I remember the moment where our hands interlocked (that meant so much to me because I never held hands with anyone). Those moments of me letting me guard down. Will I ever again let them down? For the softness and transparency of who I am I hope so; for to hide who I really am is draining. I am praying for life!

 

Image courtesy of: Pixabay.com

Emptiness

I remember feeling vulnerable and loving it. I wonder will I ever feel that way again. I have no hope in it if I must be honest. Burned, with fire of loving and feeling like it’s me times two. Feeling like my energy had been matched in the sensual game of touch and go. But then…nothing! The emptiness that rattled through my sleepless nights awaiting for the return of my sweet love. The one who looked at me with love, the one who I felt that I could talk about my deepest darkest feelings. My mistakes, my accomplishments, all of everything that makes me who I am. My religion, what I believe, what I believe in life as a whole. Just more of me wants to melt into you and yet.. I stop! I put on the face of a brave woman and I serve, and I wake up and workout and feel strong and untouchable for the moments when I am “in a zone,” but I can’t be that way for 24 hours a day so I am left with me.

At the end of the day it’s just me. I wish to love and talk until the candles burn all the way down while holding my love. I wish to feel protected in his arms. So simple but so complicated because my guard is up. I cried tonight wishing that it would go down so I can feel free. I think everyone wants to be free. I found myself smiling yesterday. Not for a picture, not out of duty, but of something so silly that I can’t even remember. But I felt that smile, the warmth of that smile and I wish to freely smile like that more often. I am thankful that even in times of loneliness I can sometimes smile.

Door Mat

It’s been a while since I have decided to write, and I guess this seems like an appropriate time to do so. I was alerted the other day that I have been on WordPress for two years now and I had not yet renewed my subscription. Life goes on and on the last day I renewed it because I felt a sense of urgency to express how I’ve been feeling lately.

Again, I am logged off of social media (besides WordPress) because I am tired of dealing. Long weeks, days, and nights of people that have not called or texted to just say, “hi”. Just to say I’ve been thinking about you. Just to say, “I love you”. These things are so important to me and yet so simple. The type of communication that I have gotten when people want to talk to me? It’s me listening and never once being asked “how are you?” I think to myself, “do you care that I am going through things as well?” Now don’t get me wrong, I love helping others. But I realized that it’s been a solid two years now that I have become more aware, and more upset that the love that I give is not returned. You know, social media has a painful way of reminding me of my place in other people’s lives. The stock that I have invested in has not given me a profitable return. I’ve realized that I only want people in my life who can give and receive, not just receive! My birthday was a couple of weeks ago, and as I cried in my bathtub thinking of all the things that I have yet to accomplish, there was only one person who really helped me to feel like it was my special day. When I know that it is someone’s birthday, and I love them, I want them to know it for sure. Through a phone call, text, special cupcakes, flowers, something that says, “ I want you to know how important you are in my life.” Yes a couple of people sent me wishes, but overall. I realized how I make it my business to text or call someone at 11:59 pm just before their special day to make sure that I am one of the first people to wish a happy birthday… there no one who did the same for me.

Now, you may say. “You shouldn’t do so that you can get… whatever.” And I totally agree, but it’s the whole “Why didn’t I pop into your mind kind of a thing?” Yes, I am human and I have not built up a “I don’t give a … “ type of attitude so therefore I bleed, therefore I cry, therefore I get depressed. Therefore I log off of social media. I log off because it is painful that I can text you to see how you are doing (while I am inside feeling some type of sadness about life) and you can’t return a text for days later or even at all (and I see you partying with others) but when you are sad, I am right there to listen. I have taken away my door mat status (at least for a little while) and I feel like I can breathe. I feel like some of the weight has been lifted from me in always making sure that others feel loved while I am the “ Oh we have to meet up soon and never do type of girl.” I understand that life get’s busy, but for the only time that you think of me is when You are depressed then I have a problem.

I too want to be cherished and since I have realized that no one has the time to do so for me in my life then I will not put stock in those people. I don’t hate anyone, I just will not put my expectations so high anymore. I am learning to understand that just because it’s my desire to want to love on others that it’s not necessarily there desire to love me.

I just wanted to write this because I know that I am not alone, although a lot of times I feel that I am.

So Far To Go

I believe that due to my personal losses in life that God has allowed me the greatest gift of all, which is that of humility. Although, I toggle with the fact if I was ever really “ungrateful.” Well, I guess I was since I felt like since I did things by what I thought was the “book” that  I was owed a perfect life. What is the perfect life to me you may ask? I thought it was a house, a dog, three children, etc. This was my narrative but His plans are greater than mine, and no one can argue with me on that!! To make a long story short, I don’t have a dog, three children, or even a white picket fence, but what I do have internally is what I believe to be part of the reason why I am here. “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,… Jeremiah 1:5 ESV. He knew me, He knows me even still and has crafted my interactions to honor Him. I have an experience that I would like to share..

I went to an event last week, and I wasn’t too energetic to go to it. When my son has piano practice I really dislike missing it, but sometimes it is necessary. As I was driving to this event I was thinking, “God I hope that I get something out of this, I hope there is a reason for me going to this thing.” And I said this because I really wanted to be with him, but sometimes God will take you out of what you think you should be doing and place you into a situation to give Him glory. As I am at this event I am talking to a sweet woman about the event and she starts to share her heart with me on a personal level. I won’t go into details because that’s her business but I informed her that I too have suffered with loss.

Losing my job, my home, and my daughter were horrible experiences that I never thought that I would have to go through. As I am sharing these things with this sweet person we agreed that these personal pains are used to help one another know that we will get on the other side of these things. We literally started talking about how great God is at this event and I told her that no matter where I am, even when I am trying to be “business like” that I have to magnify God, and I can’t help it! To be honest this is a struggle for me. I am seriously dealing with this. Trying to understand how I can ask God to use me for the spreading of His word and then when I have an opportunity I second guess myself. But in my mind I tell myself to open my mouth and then it all spits out. This person was saying to me that my story gave her what she needed to hear that she’s not alone, and we aren’t.

We all have so far to go while we are here. But we are here for a reason. You never know if your experiences are being used to give someone else comfort. I find that when I am out running errands, or at events with a particular mindset that’s when I am caught off guard. I have been at the gym (anyone who knows me knows I don’t like talking at the gym) and someone will start talking to me about things and it shifts me from workout as hard as I can mode to let’s pray right here and right now mode. I am hopeful for the day that I won’t look at all of this as a struggle, but indeed I have so far to go!

 

Hush…

Hush…my mind

Silence is needed as I prepare for sleep

Let me not be reminded  of the happiness that has been lost

Let me not be reminded of the way it used to feel when you loved me

Let me not cry one more night as I think of the innocent touches that stole my heart

I can’t silence the mind, do I take another drink?

As the poison trickles down my throat I pray for peace to sleep

I have to make it through another night

I have to work and provide for my son

But my heart hurts because my brain is not functioning on its own

My brain has reasoned with reality, but my heart believes in the fairy tale

But some fairly tales come true!!

Struggle

It’s been awhile since I expressed my feelings. There are a lot of things I just don’t understand, but I do know what love is and how I feel that it should look like. I have given love only to not feel loved at all. Why…I wonder why it seems that the love I give gets lost in everyone else’s own goals and desires. Man..I’ve cried so many tears of loneliness. I’ve cried out of wishing that someone would truly say to me that they love me. That I matter, that my dreams did not dissipate. I’ve given a lot of my soul and it hurts. Can I just admit that it hurts? Can I just say that I wait until nighttime and I finally get a chance to let my tears drop from my eyes. So many people that have interfered in my life with nothing positive to say. What I wouldn’t give to let my guard down. What I wouldn’t give to just laugh, oh  man how I love to laugh. How I love to make people laugh. How I just wish someone would look into my eyes and say I see your heart.

I remember being  embraced at different moments of my life and inhaling security, if just for a little while. I cling to those moments in my heart for sparingly have I been able to feel that way. I have found that my life is business all the time, but who can function that way? How long can I function this way? How long can I feel like there are people with not my best interest at heart around me. A cage. It seems like the real me is trying to come out and i’m stuck. I don’t want to be stuck. I want to feel free in love. For if i’m not free in love then this person who I have become will always struggle. I don’t want to struggle always. Please listen to my heart!