The Road Ahead

The Road Ahead.

No one ever said it would be easy.

No one ever said that I wouldn’t fail.

But is failing really failing when you find a different way to come up?

Is it failing when you’ve become more humble in your journey?

Is it failing when actual relationships mean more than the superficial?

Is it failing when your story can be used to encourage others?

I lost it all, and had to rebuild.

Bit by bit, and day by day.

Until the clouds were no more.

And tomorrow seemed bright.

For once, it seemed bright, and I was encouraged more than ever.

And although all won’t ever be perfect.

Do you really want it that way?

For my perfect is different than yours.

But what’s similar between us is that tomorrow is not promised.

So be thankful in Your Journey! Because it’s yours and yours alone.

Write Later

I will write later… hours later and days and months apart from the last thought that I wrote and here I am. Full of something… is it energy, is it sadness, is it contemplation, is it fruitfulness, is it awakening, is it turning, is it speculation, is it gentleness, or is it love? My unknowing has left me depleted in many ways but yet, I have the strongest desire to press on, at least most days.

My mind wanders in the night and sometimes in the day, and I love the windows being open with the crisp breeze that strongly comes in while my heater is on 72 degrees. It’s just enough heat combined with the air. I stay wrapped in my blanket while my face sits out the window looking at the stars reminiscent as to when I was a young girl. Habits that you never fully step away from, some good and some always a struggle. But what’s life without one? Heaven!

The Highs and Lows

I was going to make this blog a pour out my heart type of thing. But as I started typing I realized that these few sentences could mean just as much. Please remember, when people pour into you for whatever reason, please make sure that you don’t deplete the cup. Please make sure that you pour into them and see if they ever need a refill. When you keep sipping from a cup and you never refill it soon you will realize that there is nothing left. It doesn’t take much.. A phone call, a text, a letter, any form of communication to let someone know that they are loved and thought of and give them at least the same arena that they gave you to express what’s going on with them. That person may need you more than you know.

My Beautiful Angel

My Beautiful Angel

You were born on this day

Sent as the sweetest present ever

Your memory won’t go away

My Beautiful Angel

I once held you in my arms

Surrounded by people we love

In those moments

There was no danger or harm

My little, tiny angel

You once opened your eyes

Such a good little girl

And heaven opened up the skies

I was too weak to hold you

I couldn’t fathom my reality

To know that in three or four days

You would not be coming home with me

I was so very depressed, me… the strongest woman ever

To be weaken by such a tiny human being

That impacted my life forever

I celebrate you on this day

Your birth changed me all around

I will never love the same

A piece of me has died now

I am the mom of such a force

Of a young man

I have to keep strong

I will secretly cry my cries

Until God calls me home

I love you Dahlia Diane

Heavy Heart

Lately I just don’t know what to do about much of anything. In the midst of trying to go back to school for my MBA, building a career, raising a son, and being a wife, it feels like life is clearing up but not all in the necessary way that I would like for it to. So many things that I am dealing with and praying for change and yet there seems is some areas to be none. After losing my home in 2009 and my 780 credit score getting so low I have finally paid off all the things that I have needed to pay off and my credit score is very close on the path of where it was in 2009. This is a major big deal for me since I am looking to buy my second home very soon. But… I am sad in so many other ways that it makes my stomach turn out of uncertainty. When you are in a relationship and you are told nothing ever and have to beg for information always it is so draining and it hurts my heart. My heart is actually hurting. I am the type of person to access situations and if I feel that I am causing pain to someone or if I feel that there will be no turn around then I do whatever is necessary. In 2009 I made this decision and now I am faced with a similar one. How can you build with someone who tells you nothing? Am I to constantly make sure that I try and keep track of things of which I have no knowledge? I want to tear my skin off!! It’s so unfair to be blamed for everything which I have no knowledge of. I am truly lost and I am begging for a turn around and there seems to be none. What saddens me the most is my precious son, I want him to be happy and raised with both of his parents and I so desperately want another child but how can I? What would I be putting a new baby through? If someone thinks that what they are doing is not wrong and does not seek help then how can you continue? When you don’t know where the money is being spent how can you continue? When you constantly find out things from everyone but the person of whom you share a bed with how can one be happy? I am not talking about a once a month situation. I am talking about every day literally. I hope that I don’t seem like I am complaining. I honestly wish that someone could help me with how to deal with the answers to these questions. I wish that you could hear my insides scream. When you have someone that will not seek help to change the situation what is it that I should do? I am stressed, and sad and it’s unfair. I met an ex girlfriend and the one thing that she asked me was, ” does he talk to you, because he never talked to me?” I laughed at her because I said, “Oh, yes he talks to me all the time.” Oh how foolish I was. I swear that I have been eating those words since they have come out of my mouth and I say that with a heavy heart. My heart is heavy, my heart is heavy, my heart is heavy. I could go on and on but I won’t. I wish that someone could see my heart. That is all.

Broken Dreams

Have you ever had a broken dreams? Have you ever looked around and felt like the world in which you felt so joyous to be in and the people who you were around was ripped right from under you? The time is 3:37 in the morning and these feelings surfaced and wouldn’t let up until I wrote them down. I keep pressing on and on and on and I have realized that I have so many questions in so many areas of my life. Will I die this way? Will I die with broken dreams? Will I ever be understood? There were times that I felt so understood and then those secure feelings were taken away from me. Should they have been there? I don’t know but I do know that it’s hard for me to trust because of this. I do know that inside I want to burst with such passionate love and express just my thoughts about so many things and I see that my life is so surface.

I wish that I had a best friend. The one person who I could count on and express all of my love and feelings to. Instead, I know that my life with love included has been broken into sections of what I thought was true love. I felt that I had it all at a point when I was younger. I used to love watching basketball. love listening to old school R&B on a Friday night cruising with the windows down. I miss renting horror movies and eating a large pizza with it. I miss watching certain movies and eating Chinese food, I miss so many things. I am now more robotic. Every day activities , the same activities and  so much anger. Oh so many things and it’s hard that when you regain segments of simplicity and then you lose it again. When you hope and pray for your hearts desire and then nothing. When you are now up at 3:49 in the morning an even as you type you still can’t express how you fully feel.

You know, i’ve tried a therapist, I believe in The Lord so I pray, but yet I sit here and every day it seems like my life is getting more and more busy and unclear. There was one time when I was in my late teens and I had a boyfriend. Neither one of us had any money. We were so hungry that we gathered up pop bottles from our parents house, went to the store and bought a sub and a pop and sat in his car talking at the park talking  with the windows down. Why is it that this moment of when I was 18 sticks in my mind? It’s because at a point where I had nothing I had everything. I think someone understanding you in the moments of confusion is so powerful; indeed seemingly strong people have feelings that they hide, feelings that rip the very delicate skin or their should inside out but again…they are hidden. Oh well, I will continue to pray that my broken dreams will somehow get glued back together as if they were never broken at all.

Hopeful

I am hopeful. I am hopeful that one day I will feel like I am worth more than what I give myself credit for. Yes, I have made plenty of mistakes. I have loved those that I should not have loved but I am worth more than the love that I have given. I have cried over the loss of loves that I have experienced but I am worth more than those tears that have fallen. I will continue to make mistakes but hopefully not the same ones that I made before and if I do I will try not to make the same ones at any other time. I will not accept that it’s ok but I will try and change. For one, it pleases my Father and for two, my love is an emotion but my heart is what continues to beat and it hurts through the pain, through the what I thought was precious moments only to find out that it was nothing to others. I am hopeful. Even though I find myself unattractive some days I know this is due to my insecurities and that in reality I shine from the inside out. I work hard, I love hard, and I would love the opportunity to be ever so gentle. Until that day comes I will continue to be hopeful and love the only way that I know how in hopes that one true day I will see me for what I am worth.