Struggle

It’s been awhile since I expressed my feelings. There are a lot of things I just don’t understand, but I do know what love is and how I feel that it should look like. I have given love only to not feel loved at all. Why…I wonder why it seems that the love I give gets lost in everyone else’s own goals and desires. Man..I’ve cried so many tears of loneliness. I’ve cried out of wishing that someone would truly say to me that they love me. That I matter, that my dreams did not dissipate. I’ve given a lot of my soul and it hurts. Can I just admit that it hurts? Can I just say that I wait until nighttime and I finally get a chance to let my tears drop from my eyes. So many people that have interfered in my life with nothing positive to say. What I wouldn’t give to let my guard down. What I wouldn’t give to just laugh, oh  man how I love to laugh. How I love to make people laugh. How I just wish someone would look into my eyes and say I see your heart.

I remember being  embraced at different moments of my life and inhaling security, if just for a little while. I cling to those moments in my heart for sparingly have I been able to feel that way. I have found that my life is business all the time, but who can function that way? How long can I function this way? How long can I feel like there are people with not my best interest at heart around me. A cage. It seems like the real me is trying to come out and i’m stuck. I don’t want to be stuck. I want to feel free in love. For if i’m not free in love then this person who I have become will always struggle. I don’t want to struggle always. Please listen to my heart!

Are You The Calm

Are you the calm?

When someone needs a friend to talk to, are you the peace?

Are you the soft cloud that sits so gently in the sky?

Are you the breathe that continues to flow through the body giving it life?

Are you the soothing cup of tea that’s needed every night before bed?

Are you the soft music that settles the day to the night?

Are you that lovely painting that reminds someone of their youthful days?

Are you the first lick of someone’s favorite ice cream?

Are you the first kiss of someone you can never forget?

Are you the very beat of someone’s heart?

Are you the calm?

When the world beats someone down.

Are you the hand that reaches out to help them rise?

Are you the soft whisper saying, “I love you?”

What are you to someone?

Be the calm that someone needs.

Be the sense of understanding that is needed.

Be the arms that holds someone close.

Try to be the calm.

 

The Road Ahead

The Road Ahead.

No one ever said it would be easy.

No one ever said that I wouldn’t fail.

But is failing really failing when you find a different way to come up?

Is it failing when you’ve become more humble in your journey?

Is it failing when actual relationships mean more than the superficial?

Is it failing when your story can be used to encourage others?

I lost it all, and had to rebuild.

Bit by bit, and day by day.

Until the clouds were no more.

And tomorrow seemed bright.

For once, it seemed bright, and I was encouraged more than ever.

And although all won’t ever be perfect.

Do you really want it that way?

For my perfect is different than yours.

But what’s similar between us is that tomorrow is not promised.

So be thankful in Your Journey! Because it’s yours and yours alone.

Write Later

I will write later… hours later and days and months apart from the last thought that I wrote and here I am. Full of something… is it energy, is it sadness, is it contemplation, is it fruitfulness, is it awakening, is it turning, is it speculation, is it gentleness, or is it love? My unknowing has left me depleted in many ways but yet, I have the strongest desire to press on, at least most days.

My mind wanders in the night and sometimes in the day, and I love the windows being open with the crisp breeze that strongly comes in while my heater is on 72 degrees. It’s just enough heat combined with the air. I stay wrapped in my blanket while my face sits out the window looking at the stars reminiscent as to when I was a young girl. Habits that you never fully step away from, some good and some always a struggle. But what’s life without one? Heaven!

The Highs and Lows

I was going to make this blog a pour out my heart type of thing. But as I started typing I realized that these few sentences could mean just as much. Please remember, when people pour into you for whatever reason, please make sure that you don’t deplete the cup. Please make sure that you pour into them and see if they ever need a refill. When you keep sipping from a cup and you never refill it soon you will realize that there is nothing left. It doesn’t take much.. A phone call, a text, a letter, any form of communication to let someone know that they are loved and thought of and give them at least the same arena that they gave you to express what’s going on with them. That person may need you more than you know.

My Beautiful Angel

My Beautiful Angel

You were born on this day

Sent as the sweetest present ever

Your memory won’t go away

My Beautiful Angel

I once held you in my arms

Surrounded by people we love

In those moments

There was no danger or harm

My little, tiny angel

You once opened your eyes

Such a good little girl

And heaven opened up the skies

I was too weak to hold you

I couldn’t fathom my reality

To know that in three or four days

You would not be coming home with me

I was so very depressed, me… the strongest woman ever

To be weaken by such a tiny human being

That impacted my life forever

I celebrate you on this day

Your birth changed me all around

I will never love the same

A piece of me has died now

I am the mom of such a force

Of a young man

I have to keep strong

I will secretly cry my cries

Until God calls me home

I love you Dahlia Diane

Heavy Heart

Lately I just don’t know what to do about much of anything. In the midst of trying to go back to school for my MBA, building a career, raising a son, and being a wife, it feels like life is clearing up but not all in the necessary way that I would like for it to. So many things that I am dealing with and praying for change and yet there seems is some areas to be none. After losing my home in 2009 and my 780 credit score getting so low I have finally paid off all the things that I have needed to pay off and my credit score is very close on the path of where it was in 2009. This is a major big deal for me since I am looking to buy my second home very soon. But… I am sad in so many other ways that it makes my stomach turn out of uncertainty. When you are in a relationship and you are told nothing ever and have to beg for information always it is so draining and it hurts my heart. My heart is actually hurting. I am the type of person to access situations and if I feel that I am causing pain to someone or if I feel that there will be no turn around then I do whatever is necessary. In 2009 I made this decision and now I am faced with a similar one. How can you build with someone who tells you nothing? Am I to constantly make sure that I try and keep track of things of which I have no knowledge? I want to tear my skin off!! It’s so unfair to be blamed for everything which I have no knowledge of. I am truly lost and I am begging for a turn around and there seems to be none. What saddens me the most is my precious son, I want him to be happy and raised with both of his parents and I so desperately want another child but how can I? What would I be putting a new baby through? If someone thinks that what they are doing is not wrong and does not seek help then how can you continue? When you don’t know where the money is being spent how can you continue? When you constantly find out things from everyone but the person of whom you share a bed with how can one be happy? I am not talking about a once a month situation. I am talking about every day literally. I hope that I don’t seem like I am complaining. I honestly wish that someone could help me with how to deal with the answers to these questions. I wish that you could hear my insides scream. When you have someone that will not seek help to change the situation what is it that I should do? I am stressed, and sad and it’s unfair. I met an ex girlfriend and the one thing that she asked me was, ” does he talk to you, because he never talked to me?” I laughed at her because I said, “Oh, yes he talks to me all the time.” Oh how foolish I was. I swear that I have been eating those words since they have come out of my mouth and I say that with a heavy heart. My heart is heavy, my heart is heavy, my heart is heavy. I could go on and on but I won’t. I wish that someone could see my heart. That is all.