I Don’t Understand

I just feel like being honest tonight. It’s not that I am not honest normally but I feel especially honest tonight. I just don’t understand some people and the way that they are uncompassionate about everyone else and yet they want to be shown compassion in their own lives. I am not a perfect person nor do I or would I ever claim to be. I have gone through a lot of things in life and I have a clear mindset on how to be compassionate with others. I know people that have gone through situations and then they can sit back and criticize someone for going through situations, Excuse me? I do not understand your logic sir! You make me laugh yet you make me cry. How do you or have you ever shown grace to someone? Here is the thing, yes, we all make mistakes and yes in theory and really in life we are supposed to learn from those mistakes and keep it moving. However, I am someone who continues to make mistakes and I do believe that I still am going to meet my Father in heaven because His death is not about me but about what He did on the cross. My Father knows me. He knew and knows what I am going to do and what I have done before I do or did it. And this is truth to me. In that respect, sir how are you to talk about me and not recognize your own faults? This is upsetting to me because of people like you, you make it hard for a person like myself who struggles to open up and feel safe in my faults. Meaning, you make it uncomfortable for me to ever pour my true heart out to you when I feel ashamed to even have a discussion with you. I would feel completely stupid, inadequate, unworthy to even be in the same room with you sir! If that is your way of me being closer to you, you are extremely wrong and this does nothing but push me away from you.

I have gone through a lot of things in life, and through those experiences I have learned to have compassion with people. People want to feel safe and not ashamed of their faults or their struggles. Look at your heart. Look at yourself! It makes me laugh for those who have “not gone through anything!” Please live long enough and come holla at me when you do go through it. But you know what the difference is between you and me? I will open my heart to you, I will listen to you, I will encourage you, I will be the shield that you need to cover you, I will be the call that you need to make in the middle of the night to reassure you of God’s love and grace, I will be the one to hold you in the darkest moments of your life and I will be the one standing in the stands hollering your name at the finish line once you cross to cheer you on. I will not allow you to feel alone. Sir, even after all of that you still may wake up and feel entitled, you still may believe that you are above the next person, you still may think that you have done it all perfect and His way, you still may look at yourself in the mirror with all your faults and choose to look down on someone else. And you know what, that is something that you will have to deal with on your own, that is something that you will have to reckon in your time. I will still walk away from you in love.

Sir, I will continue to love you even though I have shown you grace when you needed it and you have not done the same. I will not listen to your “perfect” ways, I will call you out on it because you can’t ask the Father to forgive you in your issues and then don’t forgive or have compassion towards others in their time. This just bothers me because I have fallen and will continue to fall. Possibly if I had never tasted the situations in life that I have this would be another story, but I like my story, even through the tears I like my story because it has opened my heart so much. Had I not gone through the things that I have then I would not be able to relate to others and point them toward The Lord. I would not be able to say I have gone through a, b, and c and He saved me. I would not be able to say “thank God that I am here.” Here’s the thing… To look at me is to not see me, for you have not seen the things of my heart, you do not see the struggles that I face or the love that I want, you can’t possibly see me, my smile hides it all so well. But let me give you a moment of my time and I will prove to you why at first glance you will never see that and it is because of Jesus. His name and who He is, is above it all and that is the reason for my smile. Sir!!!! Give me a moment of your time.

Without A Pen

 

I can’t remember the first time that I got a pen from anyone but I do remember being a young girl around the age of ten and calling myself in love. I remember taking that young boy’s name and making a poem out of it. I don’t know how many poems that I have written since then. I don’t remember how many poems that I burnt in the past to try and call myself forgetting about the experiences that were written in those poems. But I do remember the passion that I had in those poems. I still have a few of those earlier ones even still. I have started to really write again and not just poems but as you can see from this blog I have shared some of my life experiences. My point is this… without a pen I don’t know what I would do. Some things I will forever leave in my heart and they are not meant to ever be written down, but some things without a pen to fully express how I feel I would never get those emotions out. I will never be who I was in my younger days nor will I ever be exactly the woman that I am even as I write these very words right now. But in writing, I have found such peace. I enjoy typing on my Mac with the lights off and just the glow of the computer screen. I enjoy looking back at my poem book and other prayer books that I have written and seeing how God has answered my prayers. I also enjoy remembering all the feelings that I felt in writing those poems. Now, I will admit that a few of my poems are written because of life and the different experiences that I see in the world. But I know the ones that are true and dear to my heart and for those, I would be so lost if I was ever without a pen.

Remember

Laying in the darkness

I sit with my eyes closed

I allow the air from the open window to rush over me

As I remember feeling the warmth of your skin

How did I lay upon you and escape into the security of who you are

Not just some of you, but i’d take it all

My heart starts to beat fast as I reminisce

I can’t smell you but I hear you

I hear your voice in my mind and I remember

And I see you, and I love you

As your hands interlock with mine

I know that this is where I want them to be

In a forever moment with you to not end

I lose the embrace of your hands just long enough

I glide one hand over your face

And I remember

And I feel the softness of your skin

And I remember

As our bodies are better than anything else I’ve ever experienced

I remember

To not forget is worth it all

Oh Man! What a difference..

Oh man what a difference a day makes, but for me it’s not only just the days that make a difference but minutes and even seconds. Going through so many different experiences in life really can make you understand and be sensitive to what others are going through. Last week I was able to volunteer and help a family in need out. I hadn’t volunteered in that type of manner in about a year but last week I was reminded of how different situations and people can make a difference in your life. The mom was revealed her newly furnished home and I could see the gratefulness in her eyes, but not only in her eyes but her being. See, you can tell the gratefulness of a person in the way that they react to certain situations. It’s all about realizing that we are not owed anything in this world and when someone opens their heart to you it’s about taking the time to understand how vulnerable that person is to you at that moment and appreciating the vulnerability. Being vulnerable used to be a hard word and thing for me to be. It’s such a struggle for me even as I type if I have to be honest. But with each day and each situation I don’t judge but I love, oh man do I try to love. I am so flawed and always learning that I must look past the exterior and look inward. I desire to listen and love, look for glimmers of a smile and love, pray and love. I guess I just wanted to write about how important it is to always show love because we all have those Oh Man situations, and isn’t it nice when all of a sudden you encounter that one person that reaches their hand out to you and says to you, “let me love you with no strings attached.” Oh Man how nice it is!

Love You For Tonight

Love you, i’d like to love you for tonight.

I’d like to feel rested and comfortable in my skin with you!

I’d like to breathe, to share in your thoughts.

To release my anxieties by touching your heart.

To make love great and sweet with you.

I’d like to love you for tonight.

To indulge in the now, knowing that tomorrow will lead to much greater things.

And to remember and learn from today what will make us stronger tomorrow.

I understand that I can’t breathe fully in you

But I will breathe knowing that my breaths are for a reason.

DEAR SWEETNESS

Dear Sweetness, Oh so many nights did I ponder you in a more engaging role in my life

How you fulfill that part of me which was empty.

Dear Sweetness, Oh how I wanted you to know how I would roam to the ends of the earth for you

And how I would participate fully in the taste of life and love, which you give to me

Dear Sweetness, I hope you understand that all of the feelings that I stated are true

To look into your eyes and be vulnerable and press my hand upon your chest

And to inhale the sweetness of my moment with you

Dear Sweetness, Dear Love, Dear fulfiller of my dreams

You are he and I am aware.

 

CAN I BREATHE?

It’s five am and i’ve wanted to write for days now. It seems like as soon as one thing settles in something else creeps in and causes my thoughts to move toward the new ones. Breathing is a God given gift. As I wake up each morning I am aware and have experienced that a loved one didn’t have the opportunity to do the same. But yet I breathe. And still I am thankful for it. But as I breathe, at times anxiety trickles in. It seems that my world starts feeling more and more consumed. But sometimes I am fortunate enough to recall. I am fortunate to have experienced some peaceful situations throughout life. Times where my heart rested. Where it would beat a normal beat. Where a simple hand held made me feel like nothing else mattered and it was just two, Oh how I long to breathe like that again. How I long for the times of quiet in the presence of my beautiful peace. As I now sit outside I hear birds chirping, I see the clouds moving across the moon, I hear that oh so familiar train that seems to follow me wherever I go… and still… this peace is not a fully satisfying peace. In this moment I can breathe but my stomach turns from wanting and needing. It’s vividly in my mind and heart and I can’t push it away. But do I want to? I don’t think that I do. But how I long do I breathe without the very thing which helped to give me life. I look to the heart of it all and I know that a good breathe is something that we all long for and if experienced it is a truly life changing most satisfying thing.