I was going to make this blog a pour out my heart type of thing. But as I started typing I realized that these few sentences could mean just as much. Please remember, when people pour into you for whatever reason, please make sure that you don’t deplete the cup. Please make sure that you pour into them and see if they ever need a refill. When you keep sipping from a cup and you never refill it soon you will realize that there is nothing left. It doesn’t take much.. A phone call, a text, a letter, any form of communication to let someone know that they are loved and thought of and give them at least the same arena that they gave you to express what’s going on with them. That person may need you more than you know.
My Beautiful Angel
You were born on this day
Sent as the sweetest present ever
Your memory won’t go away
My Beautiful Angel
I once held you in my arms
Surrounded by people we love
In those moments
There was no danger or harm
My little, tiny angel
You once opened your eyes
Such a good little girl
And heaven opened up the skies
I was too weak to hold you
I couldn’t fathom my reality
To know that in three or four days
You would not be coming home with me
I was so very depressed, me… the strongest woman ever
To be weaken by such a tiny human being
That impacted my life forever
I celebrate you on this day
Your birth changed me all around
I will never love the same
A piece of me has died now
I am the mom of such a force
Of a young man
I have to keep strong
I will secretly cry my cries
Until God calls me home
I love you Dahlia Diane
Lately I just don’t know what to do about much of anything. In the midst of trying to go back to school for my MBA, building a career, raising a son, and being a wife, it feels like life is clearing up but not all in the necessary way that I would like for it to. So many things that I am dealing with and praying for change and yet there seems is some areas to be none. After losing my home in 2009 and my 780 credit score getting so low I have finally paid off all the things that I have needed to pay off and my credit score is very close on the path of where it was in 2009. This is a major big deal for me since I am looking to buy my second home very soon. But… I am sad in so many other ways that it makes my stomach turn out of uncertainty. When you are in a relationship and you are told nothing ever and have to beg for information always it is so draining and it hurts my heart. My heart is actually hurting. I am the type of person to access situations and if I feel that I am causing pain to someone or if I feel that there will be no turn around then I do whatever is necessary. In 2009 I made this decision and now I am faced with a similar one. How can you build with someone who tells you nothing? Am I to constantly make sure that I try and keep track of things of which I have no knowledge? I want to tear my skin off!! It’s so unfair to be blamed for everything which I have no knowledge of. I am truly lost and I am begging for a turn around and there seems to be none. What saddens me the most is my precious son, I want him to be happy and raised with both of his parents and I so desperately want another child but how can I? What would I be putting a new baby through? If someone thinks that what they are doing is not wrong and does not seek help then how can you continue? When you don’t know where the money is being spent how can you continue? When you constantly find out things from everyone but the person of whom you share a bed with how can one be happy? I am not talking about a once a month situation. I am talking about every day literally. I hope that I don’t seem like I am complaining. I honestly wish that someone could help me with how to deal with the answers to these questions. I wish that you could hear my insides scream. When you have someone that will not seek help to change the situation what is it that I should do? I am stressed, and sad and it’s unfair. I met an ex girlfriend and the one thing that she asked me was, ” does he talk to you, because he never talked to me?” I laughed at her because I said, “Oh, yes he talks to me all the time.” Oh how foolish I was. I swear that I have been eating those words since they have come out of my mouth and I say that with a heavy heart. My heart is heavy, my heart is heavy, my heart is heavy. I could go on and on but I won’t. I wish that someone could see my heart. That is all.
Have you ever had a broken dreams? Have you ever looked around and felt like the world in which you felt so joyous to be in and the people who you were around was ripped right from under you? The time is 3:37 in the morning and these feelings surfaced and wouldn’t let up until I wrote them down. I keep pressing on and on and on and I have realized that I have so many questions in so many areas of my life. Will I die this way? Will I die with broken dreams? Will I ever be understood? There were times that I felt so understood and then those secure feelings were taken away from me. Should they have been there? I don’t know but I do know that it’s hard for me to trust because of this. I do know that inside I want to burst with such passionate love and express just my thoughts about so many things and I see that my life is so surface.
I wish that I had a best friend. The one person who I could count on and express all of my love and feelings to. Instead, I know that my life with love included has been broken into sections of what I thought was true love. I felt that I had it all at a point when I was younger. I used to love watching basketball. love listening to old school R&B on a Friday night cruising with the windows down. I miss renting horror movies and eating a large pizza with it. I miss watching certain movies and eating Chinese food, I miss so many things. I am now more robotic. Every day activities , the same activities and so much anger. Oh so many things and it’s hard that when you regain segments of simplicity and then you lose it again. When you hope and pray for your hearts desire and then nothing. When you are now up at 3:49 in the morning an even as you type you still can’t express how you fully feel.
You know, i’ve tried a therapist, I believe in The Lord so I pray, but yet I sit here and every day it seems like my life is getting more and more busy and unclear. There was one time when I was in my late teens and I had a boyfriend. Neither one of us had any money. We were so hungry that we gathered up pop bottles from our parents house, went to the store and bought a sub and a pop and sat in his car talking at the park talking with the windows down. Why is it that this moment of when I was 18 sticks in my mind? It’s because at a point where I had nothing I had everything. I think someone understanding you in the moments of confusion is so powerful; indeed seemingly strong people have feelings that they hide, feelings that rip the very delicate skin or their should inside out but again…they are hidden. Oh well, I will continue to pray that my broken dreams will somehow get glued back together as if they were never broken at all.
I am hopeful. I am hopeful that one day I will feel like I am worth more than what I give myself credit for. Yes, I have made plenty of mistakes. I have loved those that I should not have loved but I am worth more than the love that I have given. I have cried over the loss of loves that I have experienced but I am worth more than those tears that have fallen. I will continue to make mistakes but hopefully not the same ones that I made before and if I do I will try not to make the same ones at any other time. I will not accept that it’s ok but I will try and change. For one, it pleases my Father and for two, my love is an emotion but my heart is what continues to beat and it hurts through the pain, through the what I thought was precious moments only to find out that it was nothing to others. I am hopeful. Even though I find myself unattractive some days I know this is due to my insecurities and that in reality I shine from the inside out. I work hard, I love hard, and I would love the opportunity to be ever so gentle. Until that day comes I will continue to be hopeful and love the only way that I know how in hopes that one true day I will see me for what I am worth.
I just feel like being honest tonight. It’s not that I am not honest normally but I feel especially honest tonight. I just don’t understand some people and the way that they are uncompassionate about everyone else and yet they want to be shown compassion in their own lives. I am not a perfect person nor do I or would I ever claim to be. I have gone through a lot of things in life and I have a clear mindset on how to be compassionate with others. I know people that have gone through situations and then they can sit back and criticize someone for going through situations, Excuse me? I do not understand your logic sir! You make me laugh yet you make me cry. How do you or have you ever shown grace to someone? Here is the thing, yes, we all make mistakes and yes in theory and really in life we are supposed to learn from those mistakes and keep it moving. However, I am someone who continues to make mistakes and I do believe that I still am going to meet my Father in heaven because His death is not about me but about what He did on the cross. My Father knows me. He knew and knows what I am going to do and what I have done before I do or did it. And this is truth to me. In that respect, sir how are you to talk about me and not recognize your own faults? This is upsetting to me because of people like you, you make it hard for a person like myself who struggles to open up and feel safe in my faults. Meaning, you make it uncomfortable for me to ever pour my true heart out to you when I feel ashamed to even have a discussion with you. I would feel completely stupid, inadequate, unworthy to even be in the same room with you sir! If that is your way of me being closer to you, you are extremely wrong and this does nothing but push me away from you.
I have gone through a lot of things in life, and through those experiences I have learned to have compassion with people. People want to feel safe and not ashamed of their faults or their struggles. Look at your heart. Look at yourself! It makes me laugh for those who have “not gone through anything!” Please live long enough and come holla at me when you do go through it. But you know what the difference is between you and me? I will open my heart to you, I will listen to you, I will encourage you, I will be the shield that you need to cover you, I will be the call that you need to make in the middle of the night to reassure you of God’s love and grace, I will be the one to hold you in the darkest moments of your life and I will be the one standing in the stands hollering your name at the finish line once you cross to cheer you on. I will not allow you to feel alone. Sir, even after all of that you still may wake up and feel entitled, you still may believe that you are above the next person, you still may think that you have done it all perfect and His way, you still may look at yourself in the mirror with all your faults and choose to look down on someone else. And you know what, that is something that you will have to deal with on your own, that is something that you will have to reckon in your time. I will still walk away from you in love.
Sir, I will continue to love you even though I have shown you grace when you needed it and you have not done the same. I will not listen to your “perfect” ways, I will call you out on it because you can’t ask the Father to forgive you in your issues and then don’t forgive or have compassion towards others in their time. This just bothers me because I have fallen and will continue to fall. Possibly if I had never tasted the situations in life that I have this would be another story, but I like my story, even through the tears I like my story because it has opened my heart so much. Had I not gone through the things that I have then I would not be able to relate to others and point them toward The Lord. I would not be able to say I have gone through a, b, and c and He saved me. I would not be able to say “thank God that I am here.” Here’s the thing… To look at me is to not see me, for you have not seen the things of my heart, you do not see the struggles that I face or the love that I want, you can’t possibly see me, my smile hides it all so well. But let me give you a moment of my time and I will prove to you why at first glance you will never see that and it is because of Jesus. His name and who He is, is above it all and that is the reason for my smile. Sir!!!! Give me a moment of your time.
I can’t remember the first time that I got a pen from anyone but I do remember being a young girl around the age of ten and calling myself in love. I remember taking that young boy’s name and making a poem out of it. I don’t know how many poems that I have written since then. I don’t remember how many poems that I burnt in the past to try and call myself forgetting about the experiences that were written in those poems. But I do remember the passion that I had in those poems. I still have a few of those earlier ones even still. I have started to really write again and not just poems but as you can see from this blog I have shared some of my life experiences. My point is this… without a pen I don’t know what I would do. Some things I will forever leave in my heart and they are not meant to ever be written down, but some things without a pen to fully express how I feel I would never get those emotions out. I will never be who I was in my younger days nor will I ever be exactly the woman that I am even as I write these very words right now. But in writing, I have found such peace. I enjoy typing on my Mac with the lights off and just the glow of the computer screen. I enjoy looking back at my poem book and other prayer books that I have written and seeing how God has answered my prayers. I also enjoy remembering all the feelings that I felt in writing those poems. Now, I will admit that a few of my poems are written because of life and the different experiences that I see in the world. But I know the ones that are true and dear to my heart and for those, I would be so lost if I was ever without a pen.